Oh heyyy, Readers, heyyyyy. I know it’s been like a year, or something, since the last time I posted – sorry about that. I’ve been trying to deal with my shit (finally got that therapist!).
However, the Ubiquitously Omniscient Being of the Universe woke me up this morning with a testimony on my heart, and I just had to share it with you all!!!
So here it goes…
Chicken is the National Food of Condolence.
Mhm…let that sink it.
So what that it’s cheap, fast, and found everywhere – similar to cocaine in the 60s & 70s, and crack in the 80s.
Chicken is the National Food of Condolence.
At first I just thought it was a black thing, and then, you know, there’s, “Black people loooove chicken. Blah blah blah.”
You know what? It’s fucking delicious! So, fuck you!
So there’s that.
But, then, I found out that white people use chicken as a food of condolence too!
It’s the boneless kind. Which, then, I think, “WTF is wrong with bones? Are you too good for bones? Like, that’s where all the deliciousness comes from!” But…whatever. That’s beyond the point.
The point is: Everyone believes that chicken is the National Food of Condolence.
Trust me, TRUST ME, I’m speaking from experience. As a person who has gone to more funerals than someone at the age of 26, who doesn’t live in an active war zone, should actually be able to talk about. Trust me, I know this to be a fact.
It’s not just some fluke pattern…
I mean…granted, yea, they were all black people funerals.
But, again, so what!? Chicken is fucking delicious – fuck you, again.
::sigh:: I’m sorry.
You know, it’s just one of those things. It’s just sooo freakin’ good, and it’s kinda what you want to see.
I am so sorry that your cat died…
Here’s a two piece and a biscuit.
I hope you heart finds peace…
and your stomach too.
I just think that it’s perfect. Chicken is the perfect food.
No it really is.
It’s literally, LITERALLY, a gift from God’s table.
Just know that the Ubiquitously Omniscient Being of the Universe, colloquially known as “God,” has bestowed upon us, the unworthy being we are, this oh so delicious gift. And think about it, what better way to honor this person, your loved one, than with a feast centered around a gift from God him/herself?!?
Yea…I can’t think of anything else either.
Honestly, I don’t think there’s really anything that says, “I’m sorry for your loss,” quite like a bucket of chicken.
Keep your flowers.
And your cards…
And your anecdotes…
And your donations, in the name of dearly departed, to the Eastern Malay Stray Possum and Bird Sanctuary of West Miami.
Just bring a bucket of chicken, and your most earnest set of “pity eyes.” –> People who have just lost someone LOOOOOOVE when you look at them with pity eyes. LOVE IT!!!
Listen, all things considered, I’m pretty sure chicken works for every situation.
Ok, fine…we may need a qualifier…or three.
The exceptions are:
- Mourning the loss of the deceased…who happened to be fowl.
- If your love one’s chicken, duck, or goose died, then it may not be appropriate to bring them condolence chicken.
- Mourning the loss of the deceased…who happened to be vegetarian.
- Again…may not be appropriate to bring them condolence chicken. However, I’m sure a nice baklava, or something, would suffice.
- Mourning the loss of the deceased…who choked on a chicken bone.
- Yeaaaaaa…you should probably just opt for the Edible Arrangement, and call it a day.
Now, as you read my next suggestion, please keep in mind that I have my MBA. You should know that in business school ethics are regarded similarly to the way traffic lanes are treated by NYC cabbies:
They are merely suggestions as to where you should or could be, but certainly not the rule.
I think that the creation of the OFFICIAL National Food of Condolence could possibly be a great, great, GREAT, business opportunity for all the chicken chains in this country…and possibly around the world.
No, no, no, just think about it. All those guys could get together and figure something out. I mean, I don’t think the FTC would really get on those guys for colluding around becoming the National Food of Condolence. I just think that if all the Popeyes, KFCs, Churches, the Bojangles, the El Pollo Locos, in addition to all of the other random places, where a bucket-o-chicken can be purchased, and reach out to the National Association of Undertakers, or Funeral directors or…
The Addams Family…
Whomever it is, and approach them, let them know, “You know what? These people are going through a hard time. We want to help them…”
“…Here’s a 25% off coupon good for a bucket of ‘comfort chicken’ with the purchase of a family sized drink and 2 regular sides, at any of our participating locations.” –> Stranger, dumber things have happened in the world of business, and ESPECIALLY in the world of fast food.
IDK, it sounds pretty good to me. They’d get an “Official Retailer of the National Food of Condolence” seal to slap on their windows and marketing materials. Yeaaa, I think it might work. I mean, I know it’s a little insensitive to insert “big business” into such an intimate situation as that, but, you know, everything’s a business. Right?
So there’s that.
I’d say in, like, 98.8% of all instances (the outstanding 1.2% having been accounted for in the aforementioned exceptions) chicken is probably the most appropriate choice to express your condolences and your love for the people who are in mourning. I’m sorry, taco dip, if you thought you were it. Or buffalo chicken dip. Or guacamole. –> Why do each of these things require chips to eat?
I don’t even know what other options people would choose to eat!!
Meatballs? Pizza? Fish?
Whatever. I’m sorry, other foods. I know you thought you were it, but you’re not.
You’re not it.
You are…just not it.
It’s chicken. Chicken is your king, ergo, chicken has won. And it will forever touch the lives (and stomachs) of those grieving from now until the end of time.
If you ask me, I think that’s a lovely sentiment.
I have personally bought chicken as a way to say, “Yes. I, too, haz the sad feelz.”
I think it shows my love, expresses my condolences…
and addresses my hunger – all at once.
You can wrap all of those messages up into one nice, neat image of a bucket-o-chicken.
You know, it’s perfect.
I think it’s perfect. You can debate about this all you want, but I’m pretty sure that it’s gonna come out that people agree with me. Chicken is, indeed, the National Food of Condolence. Yea, I think I need to take up a campaign about this. I should get out into the streets and let people know, “It is official! Chicken is the National Food of Condolence.”
So, deal with it.
Speak your mind…