I am on the precipice of “officially” being old.
That doesn’t bother me so much as this nagging feeling that I am running out of time to achieve all that I will ever achieve in my life…in the short 4 years and 1.5 months leading to my 30th birthday.
Yes. Yes. I am crazy, but I own it all the way, 100%!
I hope 30 is indeed the new 20, because I think I may need a do-over when it’s all said and done.
This 30 Before 30 list came to my attention as a status update of a FB friends a few weeks ago. She made a quick list of the “unfinished” business she’d like to address before leaving the frivolous ways of her 20s and officially crossing the threshold of life and moving into that rent-controlled apartment of adulthood. As I actually know her, I’m sure she wrote and posted it with a light reverence; excited to see what is to come over the next few years.
That tinge of doom-laced sarcasm is my projecting.
You’re welcome for that.
I’m projecting because of a few things: 1) What if my list is stupid? 2) HTF am I going to address 30 things I think I need to get done, you know, that I’ve been putting off for that past 25 years and 10.5 months!? 3) How much is this going to cost me financially, socially and mentally (??)? 4) How will I know anything I actually decide to do will be worth it?
Trust me there is an even longer list, derivatives of these questions that I go around and around the obsessive crazy bush with every single day. I have no idea how I have not been sent to Ancora for a lithium induced peaceful stay.
See, this 3B3 originally started as a fun little list of things I’d like to achieve before I
died turned 30. Initially, I just thought of it as a pre-30 bucket list, but, clearly, it has evolved, and, now, it symbolizes something more because I do not know how to have fun! <– I’m so dramatic. smh.
I thought that this list, which I physically wrote down, would quell my overwhelming anxiety of my eminient demise upon the steps of 30. <– IDK. The Bestie and I have this weird preoccupation (read: obsession) with tying our UNTIMELY demises to milestone achievements, never mind we are the biggest squares you’d ever meet. We were the most shocked to learn that we lived to see our high school graduation, international jet-setting, college graduation, friends getting married/producing offspring, having (and attending) 5 year school reunions, so on and so forth. She gets my crazy; I get hers…that’s why she’s my person.
For some reason, unbeknownst to me, I view 30 as being a deadline for something. I don’t have the slightest clue as to what, but I feel like it’s looming ever closer. I don’t mean for it to sound ill fated, that’s just my dramatics I guess. I think I just want to seal, or rather anchor, my 20s with something I deem to be significant. <– Does that sound as ungrateful as I think it does? If so, God, I don’t mean for it to.
I talked to The Bestie about it and she was completely at a loss as to what I could possibly want to do to, achieve, and I consider that “significant.” I really don’t know, but I feel like everything that I’ve done thus far was what I should do, it’s what was expected of me. I would like to think I am looking to do something to I feel was very worth it.
Now usually when that particular phrase is uttered, there are psycho parents in the wings, but that’s not the case with me. My parents just want to me to be happy, so if I like it, then they love it…and, on occasion, bankroll it!! I know that it is my overachieving spirit that makes me want to do more, but, I’ll be honest, I’m not all that confident in my ability to do much of anything outside of not killing myself while dressing myself in the morning. I’m not exactly sure how to approach it, who to talk to or really what to do.
Anyway, with that said, I give you Part One of my 30 Before 30!!!
30. Use a snowboard – I’m not thinking in a cheeky way either, you know like as a coffee table or as wall art, but more in its traditional-ish application. I want to go snowboarding in the Poconos and sandboarding in the desert!!!!
Now, I have to be honest, I’m more open to sandboarding than snowboarding. I love heat, like a lot, and the necessity of cold weather for snowboarding turns me all the way off. I hate winter. It’s my least favorite season, EVER!!! I feel the only way for me to get around this is to…GO TO DUBAI!!!!
It’s the perfect solution!
I can go snowboarding at the in-door ski park, then head out to the desert for sandboarding the next day! PERFECT! #WhosIn!!?
29. Skydiving – I don’t have a fear of heights, but I do have an obsessive fear of me dying (A result of a childhood trauma…move along, nothing to see here). Right, so, I want to go skydiving. Now just because I’m scared of dying, I’m not too afraid, I suppose, where I wouldn’t take first opportunity thrown at me to jump out of a plane tandemly harnessed to a strapping 20-something white guy…of course only after exhaustively researching the company hosting the jump.
I’m not crazy…at least not any more.
I used to want to go base-jumping, but the reality that one could die as a result of slamming into a building/mountain, has me all, “Nah. I’m cool.” I used to want to go bungee jumping, too! Then that story came out about the bungee snapping, and I was good on that too! Whatever, the baby adrenaline junkie in me is totally jazzed to do this!!! SO JAZZED!!!
28. Completely learn Spanish – This is really about the potential for me to make more money. Aaaannnnnd doing something I, conceivably, could have accomplished in high school. Spanish, as proven by the election, is an incredibly important skill to have, AND I WILL HAVE IT!!! I just need to carve out an effective study schedule. The studying will be the challenging part, but I really want to achieve this. Listen, if anyone out there knows someone or if you, yourself, is SERIOUSLY willing to be my Spanish teacher, leave a comment or email me at TheMeanBlackGirl@gmail.com, and we’ll work something out!
¡¡¡Yo soy seira!!!
27. Live in Another Country – This is pretty self-explanatory. I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!!! I still can’t figure out what to do to get into the Foreign Service, but I will be applying, again, this year to get in. I WILL BE AN AMBASSADOR, dammit!!!! In the meantime, I’d just settle for living somewhere for a few months at a time for a work project or something. Now, granted, I have lived in another country for a few months, but that was for school, and it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. Ideally, I’d like to go to the England, Australia, Central America or the Caribbean. I’d like to do that for a couple for years, you know, 3-6 years…or so. That’s not unreasonable. I know it sounds like a lot of time, but I’m sure (read: reasonably convinced) it would fly by.
26. Be “ok” with being Complicated – I want to learn how to give myself the space to be complicated. I want to recognize that just because I like A most of the time, except when it occurs under B circumstances doesn’t make me a liar, because I would think that, but instead just makes me real. It makes me complex, and complexity is the underpinning of interesting. It, to my discomfort, makes me more human. <– I say that because I prefer to abstain from emotion as not to allow it to color or influence my decisions one way or another. It works well for me…I’d like others to consider adopting it.
In the sage words of Andre 3000, “…she’s a human being, and being human’s hard…” I know I’m complicated, I think I need to give myself license to be ok with it. I think that comes with time…I guess.
25. Learn to Drive Stick Shift – Ironically, both of my parents know how to drive manual, but neither of them have taught me. Trust it’s not from a lack of asking. I know I DON’T want my mom to teach me. After our “teaching” session fell apart and turned into her just yelling at me when I was in high school, she cannot teach me anything remotely relating to driving. NOTHING!! I would rather just walk home. #DeadSerious
I would prefer for my dad to teach me, buuuuut he acts like he doesn’t want to do it. I tell you, you knock over a few trashcans while learning how to parallel park, and no one wants to be your friend. TEACH ME DAMMIT!!!! I want to learn!!
::sigh:: So my goal is to, somehow, convince him to teach me…
I have 4 years.
I recognize that I am in this weird space where I want to put my finger on the fast forward button, but I’m also hesitant to go forward; it’s like I’m missing something. I have never felt anxious or uncomfortable and turning 30. In fact, I’ve always looked forward to it. In my mind turning 30 brings with it a sort of refinement that is virtually unachievable in your 20s. Much like middle school, my 20s, so far, have been very awkward. I’m hyperaware of my awkwardness, but I wonder if other people are just as awkward as I am, but they can mask it because they are better liars, or they accept this feeling as simply being apart of this time in life and eventually it’ll pass. I really cannot decide which class my peers fall into, nor can I discern which is better to belong to, but I know being in the “in-between” bucket isn’t the answer.
Speak your mind…