Biscuit Burning Chronicles – 3



It pains me to write this.


It really does.



::dramatic pause::



This week’s B.B.C. is about…Apple.


::wails:: I KNOOOOW. I KNOW. I am simultaneously shaking and hanging my head in shame.

However, I am also wagging a finger of discontent at Apple, too. Here’s why: With the iOS 6 “update” you have taken away my YouTube app. You’ve taken my Google Maps app. You’ve added Passbook, which, BTW, NO ONE has any idea WTF to do with that shit, it just sits there,  AND CAN’T be deleted!



The F*CK Apple!?!



Now I put update in quotes because, in most cases, barring Microsoft’s Vista fail, updates are a good thing. They signal an advancement that, in some way, can be incredibly useful, functional, and, possibly (possibly) fun – depending on the software you are using.

As per usual, with anything that Apple releases, the iOS update was touted as being the second coming of the messiah; of course that doesn’t take into account that folks thought the iPhone 5 was also the second coming of the messiah. So maybe iOS 6 was “The Coming 2.1”, or something like that.


Ok. ::sigh:: I feel like I always need to defend my use of religious reference, partially because they border on sacrilegious/blasphemous. However, they do have common ideals and it’s not my intent to be disrespectful, more as to be cheeky. Many people believe some savior is coming back, be it Jesus, or Elvis, or Ronald Reagan…they all believe someone is coming back to save them, and when that happens, it’s going to be EPIC! I like to make sure my pop culture references are as relatable as possible for as many people as possible. I’m not trying to come for anyone one. Promise!


Anywho, I, too, thought the iOS 6 update was going to be great, and once I downloaded it, I thought it was great – for all of 5 hours.


Oh look, I can control the further integration of my social media addition into everything I do via the settings! Oh, I can post to the FaceBox and the Tweetbox from the slidey-downy status thingy at the top of the of my screen! Oo, there are enhanced privacy and do-not-disturb settings I can use! The layout of internal menus has been changed and simplified, to a degree.


GREAT! All those things seemed to make my iPhone experience better, or, at the very least, more convenient.


Then I realized shit had gone missing!!!






Wait. Wait. Wait.



Where is my YouTube app?



Where is Google Maps?



What in the hot hell is going on here!? Where is my shit!??!






I had to take to the interwebz to understand what had been traded out and/or completely removed. To ease my annoyance, I moved Passport somewhere it wouldn’t be in my immediate sight. Then I downloaded the YouTube app because unlike the maps app, nothing had been developed to replace the portal to free-flowing interwebz phuckery.


Finally…the maps app.


Initially I didn’t have any beef with the maps app, which, from now on, I’m going to refer to as iMaps. Zero issues. I used it to get to some obscure movie theater in Weirdosville, USA with absolutely no problems. I’d used it a few other times to find other destinations, again, with no problems.

I guess I should note that I have an iPhone 4, not a 4S. And, I believe, the new update is a bit of a disservice to iPhone 4 users, especially in the realm of iMaps. It’s supposed to do cool shit, like, uhhh, TALK! But it doesn’t on the iPhone 4. It’s supposed to be “re-imagined,” but it was bought to my attention by #1 RI BFF that it completely rips off the stylings of TOM TOM, which, in my opinion, is a FAIL! So my thought is, “Why didn’t Apple just allow iPhone 4 owners keep Google Maps?”

Yea, yea, yea I know Google and Apple hate each other, but Apple, face it, Google does maps/directions way better. They have been invading people’s privacy, around the world, for the past 12+ years or so – with the lawsuits to prove it! You’re  not on their level. #Justsaying


I found out exactly how much of a disservice iMaps can be, and just how much Apple may want to think about just acquiring some GPS company, or something.


Last Friday I had an appointment in South Philly, but not “South Street” South Philly.



No, no.



I was in “you’re-almost-as-likely-to-get-shot-in-this-part-of-South-Philly-as-you-are-in-North-Philly” South Philly. No diss to anyone, buuuuut the gentrification was is rampant.


Uh…what happened to the flags that are supposed to correspond with the different state name tags along the street lamps? Who the hell is running around with a Guam state flag and WHY!? WHY??! <– I know Guam isn’t a state, but it was on up there, right after Puerto Rico and West Virginia.



Right…get back to me on that.



Anyway, I popped the address of my destination in and iMaps told me that it would take about 10mins, on foot, to get there. Time was important because the office I had to get to closed at 4P.M. and, being as though it was Friday, I KNEW they would close those doors at 3:55 SHARP! DONE. See ya’ Monday. #Duces.

Clearly I needed to be there well BEFORE 4!





Listen…I don’t know if it was the iMaps update, or if something funky was going on with my phone, but, like I said, it told me that it would take 10mins to get to my destination on foot.


It took me 30mins to get there.




Apparently, I guess, my settings reverted back to driving directions after I calibrated my phone.

Ok. Fine.

Yea it’s fine that this device is telling me that I’d reach my destination in 10mins, and I didn’t make it for thirty or so minutes. Yup that’s A-OK! What isn’t ok is that this damned app had me walking up an alley and presented it on the map like it was a street.

Hold up.




Stop the tape.



An alley?







An alley!? Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been in an alley? I’ll tell you – 14 years! FOURTEEN YEEEAAARRRRSSSSS!!!



And that’s not even the best part.





Aside from the fact that my special self actually walked down this alley because the phone told me too, I was hot as shit!


Don’t shade me for having a sweater and Timbs on, because it was cold that morning and I thought it was going the get cooler as the day went on.


It didn’t.


Clearly we are in mid-May and not late-October with temps in the low 70s…Global warming much. <– But I’m not mad. I hate the cold.



Whatever. What’s crazy is this alley had the never to cut across a real street. I get to the corner (?) and look both ways. It’s all clear and I get about a third of the way across the street, when I abruptly spin around and hop back on the curb, with the quickness.




Perched in the entrance of  the alley across the street and, seemingly, appearing out of thin air, was this ultra sketchy guy in a navy blue skully, an oversized navy blue coat (coat, NOT jacket), skinny navy blue sweatpants and tattered white and grey sneakers, smoking a cigarette and acting a bit agitated. <– I could give a sketch artist a full description. #DontPlay.












You have led me down a GD alley, straight into the tweaky hands of the Navy Blue Nabber!






I stood on the opposite side of the street, trying to wait him out. Actively going over “the rules:”

  1. Don’t make eye contact
  2. Don’t look lost
  3. Put on the “don’t f*ck with me” face
  4. Figure out an escape route, FAST!


Mind you, my little alley detour has cost me an additional 5mins and it was now 3:35P.M.




And because I wound up in an alley, I wasn’t all that confident, or sure, of how close I was to my destination and I damn sure didn’t trust iMaps. I got it in my mind to cross the street where Mr. Navy Blue was because just as quickly as he’d appeared, he was gone, walking east…away from me!


Thank you, God!


Over stupid ass iMaps, I copy and pasted the address into Google and got proper directions. I made it to the office by 3:45P.M., all the while sweating like Aretha Franklin on stage at BET’s Gospel Celebration, in that hot ass sweater and those heavy ass boots!


Thank goodness that lady let me get my life before she proceeded with asking me questions. Never mind how she was looking at me like I was insane.








Moral of the story: Don’t use iMaps, unless you have an iPhone 4S or 5 or you’d like to find yourself in a random alley…or a ditch!




Side-eye, Apple…



Needless to say, I’ve downloaded the Google Maps app.





Speak your mind….

About themeanblackgirl

My name says it all!
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