Biscuit Burning Chronicles – 1

I’m starting a new thing. I need to write more often, but there is no way I can keep up with writing 3,000+ words every few days. So I’m gonna write the “Biscuit Burning Chronicles” to get out, one thing at a time, all of the thing that, well, burn my biscuit.

So here goes…

Umm shout out to the guy at the gym who’s breath smelled like he drank a protein shit shake!!! You made my cardio that much tougher as I tried to move faster to get the hell away from you while, simultaneously, trying not to pass out because I didn’t want to breathe.

I don’t understand. You are a grown man. Muscles and what not. Not too strong in the face. Gorge complexion. Yet you opted NOT to brush your teeth!? Then you thought it cute to hop on the elliptical behind me with not only the nerve, but the AUDACITY to huff and puff!!?!


Why is your breath so HOT!?! It smells like Satan just took a shit in your throat!


Thank you GOD he did not sneeze. That would have been IT for me. It would have been like toxic waste on the back of my neck.

I would have been dead.


Ye though I walk through the Valle of the shadow of Death type dead.

He leadth me. to. still waters. Type dead.


Listen, there is nothing wrong with gagging a little as you brush away the cobwebs on your molars and wisdom teeth. There is nothing wrong with pretending you are that little Oral-B guy, and opening your mouth up, to the point of almost unhinging your jaw, to ensure that you have gotten to the very back of your tongue. Nothing wrong with drooling a little as you get 6 of your fingers and knuckles in your mouth to floss. No one will have a single problem with that, nor will they judge you.


Whatever your branded toothpaste twist is, use it – OFTEN! Because Orbit can’t do it all on its own.

Take that extra 2 mins in the morning to really, reeeeaaaaaallllyyyyy get in there. Don’t for get to rinse, swish, GARGLE (yes get alllllllll up in there! Stick your tongue out to be extra sure!), and spit. Hell get a tongue scraper too! Do something, everything mentioned here, to ensure that you are, indeed, practicing “safe breath.”

This has been a Public Service Announcement.

Speak your mind…

About themeanblackgirl

My name says it all!
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2 Responses to Biscuit Burning Chronicles – 1

  1. MsT says:

    Awww, maybe he had dry mouth from working out….

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