It’s that time again!!!!
The recesses of my brain have been active. So brace yourself; I have a lot of complaining and rhetorical question asking to do. If you’re not beat, you know the routine – please alight the blog to your left, or to the right if using a windows based machine.
Let’s get this rediculousness started!!
We are in the waning days of summer and I would like to take this time to shout out all the people with stingy toenails.
Props to you all for having the self-assurance and courage to wear open toe shoes, sandals and flip-flops. #Respect…’cause, if it were me, I damn sure couldn’t do it. <– I just LOLed loud as hell as I typed this.
I do not have good sense.
That one guy, or gal, that continuously repeats the same STUUUUUUDIP story over and over and over again. Dude, I get it. It was hilarious. Key word: WAS!!! After the second time, I have to fight the urge to commit a physical act of violence against you, the “story parrot.” #NoBullshit.
Passive agression is UNATTRACTIVE!
Especially on “adults.”
Sometimes, SOMETIMES, I read the abbreviation for United States, US, as ‘us’ and it completely throws the meaning of the sentence all the way left.
Stop looking at me like that!! I said “sometimes!” – though it does occur more often than I would care for, or would like to acknowledge.
Gentlemen, “all your 2000 parts” should be cleaned with a washcloth in addition to soap. Just because you don’t have as many nooks and crannies as women, doesn’t mean you are exempt from using a washcloth.
I mean, come on! This isn’t a Lever commercial. This isn’t an Axe commerical. This is REAL LIFE! And real life has real life moments that leave real life residue and requires the use of a real life washcloth!
You have nooks or crannies, whichever you’d perfer, and you need something to get in there. I don’t understand, or even want to think of, how you “wash” sans a washcloth.
Like, you only have your hands.
Your hands, bro? Your hands?
::sigh:: Please use a washcloth. Please. Just please.
Because thinking about the alternative, is kind of gross. I’m not gonna lie to you. It’s kind of gross. I mean because you have enough nooks and crannies that can turn rancid if you don’t, you know, reach in there. I mean, you know, you have get in there right or else it’s just gonna get rancid.
Your hands, though!?
Just use a washcloth. That’s all I’m saying.
Snark is always better in 3s, I think.
I wish Emoji worked in all of my apps, including the facebox.
My manager gives me the most mortified looks when I walk into the office. I can’t say that I blame him though. There are days when I look like I may have been involved in an ardous and tramatizing fight somewhere along my 8 block walk from the train. One day he actually stopped me, short of my desk, and asked me if I was ok.
Listen, mornings are rough. Ok?
They just are.
Speaking of things that are rough – I’m a vegetarian.
UGH! These meaty streets are so tempting.
I’m a baby veg-head. I’ve been on this “thing?” for almost two months now. Started it simply to see how long I can go not eating meat. If it lasts the rest of my life, I suppose I’d be ok with that.
But here’s the thing: I love chicken.
I mean I really love it. I have gone on record saying, “chicken is a blessing straight from God’s table.”
AND IT’S TRUE!!
No meat is as versatile and forgiving as chicken is!
Oh, so true.
However, I set this challenge for myself, and, because I’d hate me if I was lured back into the juicy clutches of meat before I was ready, I think I am poised to stick this thing out.
I did “cheat.” Once.
Yea. THAT was a bad, really bad, idea. I thought I was going to die.
And speaking of chicken…
I know. I know. But, I am a bit of a political junkie.
Now, I’m aware of how late to the party I am on this (yea, the lights are on, they have already swept up the balloons and streamers, and now they are setting up for the Todd Akin “Legitimate Rape” party. I KNOW!), but there are 2 very specific things I need to say about this.
F*ck you Dan Cathy for politicizing French fries for a second time in my lifetime!!! <– Lest we not forget the threat(?) made in late 2001 – early 2002 to rename French fries “Freedom fries” because France, much like the other members of the UN, were avidly against us invading Iraq. The irony was that France and the UN thought we, ‘Merica, were asking for permission to invade.
Clearly you didn’t get the memo: We are the United States of ‘Merica. We are (were) led by a cowboy. This was merely a courtesy call because, as we stated already, we are the United States of ‘Merica; WE DO WHAT WE WANT!!!!!
Which is also why we promptly declared war on terror and invaded Afganistan. <–What kind of crack were we on!? My goodness…it really must have been in the water.
Maybe French fries have been politicized 3 times in my lifetime (more like the last decade) – remember the time that guy sued McDonald’s for making him fat? Or that case where they were sued for marketing Happy Meals to children? <– No, but seriously, who else would Happy Meals be marketed to?! The parent who knows better? Please.
Back to my point: I just want to eat starch, fried in grease and lightly sprinkled with salt, then slathered in ketchup, paired with delicious meaty nuggets (I’m a vegetarian. I’m a vegetarian. I’m a vegetarian). I don’t want my eating your fries to give others the false impression that I actually agree with your twisted idea that gay marriage, somehow, threatens the sanctity of marriage.
Yes, yes, yes, I know, the basis for your arguement lay in Bible verses; Leviticus 18 & 20 to be specific (Yea, I know – Romans, Matthew, Luke, Acts, etc. I chose Leviticus because it’s the most often cited verse). I would like to challenge the blind dedcation to these 2 specific lines by using one line from the Bible that, I believe, cuts straight to the heart of what really “threatens the sactity of marriage” – “Thou shall not commit adultry.”
Hmm. Right. No one ever seems to talk about that.
Listen, I’m not trying to make anyone angry, nor am I questioning anyone’s belief, love or dedication to their religion. I feel that one should believe, or not believe, in God how ever they want. I really don’t care. I am merely challenging people’s use of religion in times of convience, sepcifically and especially when the issues are connected to politics. I don’t think my asking an opponet of gay marriage to cite real reasons why there should be no gay marriage, not merely citing how it goes against their PERSONAL belief system, is unreasonable.
Hello, “seperation” of church and state!
Which brings me to my second point: This whole Chick-Fil-A thing has larger polical implications, far beyond that of same-sex marriage.
I’ll break it down for you:
Dan Cathy doesn’t want gay marriage (then don’t get gay married!) –> He uses profits from Chick-Fil-A to support foundations that agree with him –> He gives some of these monies to, for example, Westboro Baptist Church (yes, that crazy church that protests at soldier’s funerals) or uses it for government lobbyist –> These organizations buy ad space, TV air time and other media, to spread their hate in God’s name, or the name of whatever cause they back.
Here’s where the politics comes in: This is the same EXACT arguement people have against Super PACs. Check out this blurb from NPR about large companies making political statements with their wallets. In my humble opinion it is compelling, yet common sense, stuff.
There is a problem, and I recognize this as a self-defining moderate liberal, on both sides of the aisle. Currently the SCOTUS is mulling over the legality of allowing large companies to fund polical campaigns. It’s a big deal because it could mean that the side with the most money could/would own any political race, notwithstanding the opinions, feelings, or votes of the American people.
So yes, to recap, I support gay/same-sex marriage, I am for re-regulating the amount of money a single large donor, up to and including companies of any size, can give, as well as for making known who those donors are publicly, and agaisnt the conviently arbitray misuse of the Bible.
And, just so the political diatribes are stacked on top of each other, Todd “Too Legit To Quit” Akin, and the Republican party, please get out of my ladyparts. They are my ladyparts and, for that reason alone, I should be able to lord over them however I see fit to, well, lord them. No one is telling old dudes, who are, ironically, the ones that want to run my lovely lady lumps, that if they suffer from “legitimate” ED, well tough, looks like their bodies found a way to shut that kind of thing down! Or pick that kind of thing UP…?
Hm. You get my point.
Leave Planned Parenthood alone. I know you, like many other people, self included, see the name a synonomusly equate it to abortion, but THEY DO OTHER THINGS to keep ladies’ ladyparts safe and healthy – FOR CHEAP!!!
Just when you think shit can’t get any more scary – voter rights be damned! reproductive rights be damned! healthcare legislation be damned! immigration reform be damned! – the dark ages seem to creep ever closer!
I’ll admit, this isn’t much of a tirade, but this is. So eloquent…for a sailor, but the points are all valid! I just can’t believe that in 2012 we are actually having THESE kinds of discussions.
Oh and Michele Bachman…C’MON!!! Newsflash: You have ladyparts, too! They are saying these things about you, too!
Jan Brewer…Long walk. Short pier… OR blind folded and pushed across the US/Mexico boarder. <– The latter, I feel, would make an incredible reality TV show. #justsayin
::sigh:: I feel so much better. Politics = my catnip.
Now back to the shenanaigans…
Like those times when you see a “gangster” leaned against a car or a brick wall, or something, and they have a pit bull, and the pit bull has a wave cap on and it’s got a letterman jacket. And you say, to yourself, “Aw, that dog’s tough! It’s got a wave cap on with a letterman jacket! WITH LEATHER SLEEVES!!!”
When in reality you should really be thinking, “Which one of these grown ass muthaf*ckas put clothes on a dog!?”
Seriously…which one of y’all put clothes on a dog? C’mon.
Y’all just gonna put clothes on a dog and, then, POST UP like you’re tough!? You put a letterman jacket – you’re a grown ass man and you put a letterman jacket on your dog – and a wave cap! AND A WAVE CAP!!! On your dog.
The dog’s name is written across the sleeve and shit.
Is that how we’re playin’ it out here? Really?
I guess I should tell you that part of that story is true and part of it is hyperbolye. I’m not going to tell you which is which. Just know that it happened.
I love eggs.
So, on occasion, I have been known to wear the Real 3D glasses from the movie theater, without their lenses, as an AWESOME face accessory. For me, it’s not a problem, but it does seem to become a problem with others. They get all bent when they figure out the glasses don’t have any lenses.
Dude, you’ve totally been talking to me for 20mins and you really didn’t have any idea?
Then you can’t get mad.
Nope, because you’ll ruin the subliminal compliment you’ve just given me.
Yes you did give me a compliment!! If you don’t realize that the glasses do not have lenses within the first 5mins of speaking with me or you figure it out and omitt making a comment, then you have just paid me a compliment.
Thanks; I think they look great on me too!
My boss, apparently, carries military issued M&Ms in her purse…and she only eats them 3 at a time. And by 3 at a time I mean she will only eat 3 chocolate, candy-coated disks and then place the rest of the bag back in her purse.
She says she does it because there are times when you, “Just want a taste of chocolate.”
And, of course, because one has to be prepared for the zombie invasion. <– Well, ok, that’s fair enough.
Hm. Ok. Well. 2 things:
Oh, and she’s had these M&Ms since the beginning of summer…
Listen, if it were me, I would have BEEN murked those M&Ms…ESPECIALLY if they were pretzel!
Clean diet, and subsequent sugar induced acne, be DAMNED!!!
I have some questions.
They are for everyone, and no one in particular.
Let me start it like this: What age does one have to be to get their spinster card?
I’m just want to know. You know, just wondering. Because at the rate that things are going coupled with some of the things I’ve been enlightened to, it seems like it’s not getting better. In fact, it’s getting lightyears worse!
So what does one do? What do you do?
Is 25 too young for a spinster card?
Let me be clear, I’m not talking about being one of those classic creepy cat-lady spinters.
Because I hate cats. They’re disgusting. <– Sorry for the “strong” language cat lovers.
I’m talking about being a hip, cool spinster with a miniture dog and weekend trips and FUN spinster stuff like that.
All the time.
I’m just throwing that out there.
Apparently, Honey Boo Boo Child’s “go-go juice” is Moutain Dew mixed with Red Bull.
Did anyone else know that!? I am really shocked.
HTF haven’t her parents been arrested for child endangerment?! HOW!?
RED BULL!?! This doesn’t count as child abuse?
It has to be!
If creating a toddler “fight club” is child endagerment (which IT IS), and being too fat to raise your own kid is consider child abuse, then purposfully getting your kid jacked on caffeine should be too!
I mean, I get it. “This, above all, to thine PROFITS be true.” – But still.
Smh. We are SO extra doomed.
I want to admit that I, TheMeanBlackGirl, objectify men, in my mind, in much the same way they objectify women. I like to reduce them to sexual objects for my oogling pleasure. Like those insanely rich cougars do to pool boys – minus the quid pro quo.
I know, I know, I should be ashamed. And I am…
I don’t know what it is about a man wearing a well fitting pair of Chinos/Dockers, or well tailored suit pants…all hugging “the cakes” just right.
Mm, my lawd! ::waves hands for glory:: Gawd is good!!!
Makes me want to send a catcall, or 3, in his direction, tell him all the obsencely offensive things I’d like to do to him, and, maybe, grab/slap the rear portion of his anatomy.
All glory, praises, and blessings to gawd. ::Cue the organ::
Speaking of jacked up, blasphemy-esque, acknowlegements of/to God…
The shout out.
How in the world do you shout out God? You know like how people do over the radio.
No more praises, thanks or blessings to God, but…shout outs?
Granted, I did ask Him to “grant” me somethings, but it was strictly for lack of a better phrase, and definitely not because I look at God as a genie. #NoSarcasm
I like to argue just for the sake of arguing. I honestly do enjoy a good fight. Patronizing the shit out of someone…man, it makes me feel alive.
However, I am susceptible to arguing with stupid, ill-informed people, which drives me ABSOLUTELY BAT SHIT because I know better!!!
That awkward moment when all the bathroom stalls are empty, but THAT person decides they want to use the one on either immediate side of you.
There are 5 other stalls and you chose the one right next to me?! That’s just weird.
I hate feeling bored. It makes me think I’m lazy. Then, because I think I’m lazy, I feel guilty. #1 RI BFF says I feel/think this way because I’m an overachiever.
I just think I should be doing more. Of what? I don’t know. I just know I should be doing more.
I think my “quarter-life crisis” is coming back.
That family member that actually believes all of those crazy conspiracy theories and tries to convice you at every single family function. I don’t think I have one.
::sigh:: Too bad 😦
OMG!!! These exist!!!
It has to be awkward to meet someone with the same name as you. Like how strange is that? Is it like you’re talking to yourself? Does it feel like you are speaking in 3rd person?
I have one of those uncommon names, so I don’t actually know anyone, personally, with my name, so that has never happened to me.
I also can’t get a tiny name license plate.
I saw the “In The Closet” MJ video this morning, HBD MJ, and I was torn between covering my little bro’s eyes or covering my own. Oh goodnes, MJ as a sexual being is something that I cannot, just CAN. NOT., live with. I know I talked about this the last time, but I’m sorry; it freaks me out.
There. I said it.
Fantasy Football Leauges…umm, I don’t get it.
There are times that I have used the n-word and, I’m sure, it has resulted in the slight alienation of others, but I have to share this Cosby Show meme with you. It has
legitimately seriously become my FAVORITE thing this week! <– Todd Akin, much like The Situtation, has ruined an intergrual word that not only is a part of my regular conversations and vocabulary, but also is a part of “Bro Speak.” Dammit! THE GOP RUINS EVERYTHING!!!
Anywho…enjoy this lovely little stroll down meme-y lane:
I know, it’s #Ratchet, but it makes me LOL every single time because it’s little Olivia saying the most reckless of things!
This season’s True Blood’s season finale cliffhanger was NOT as good/great as last season’s. #Justsayin
Oh and I CAN’T WAIT FOR SCANDAL TO START!!!! That show gives me sooooo much life!!!!
When I grow up, I want to be a #GladiatorInASuit.
I am 1000% serious!
I need to figure out a way to upload my voice notes. That’s where all the gems are, and it takes FOREVER for me to transcribe all of that into a post. I’ll dabble and see what I can come up with.