I don’t know what it is.
I just get these random moments where things happen to just pop into my mind.
Just like *boop.*
That’s how this stream of consciousness thing seems to work for me. It’s stuff that annoys me, stuff that is really funny to me, stuff that confuses me…just stuff.
And, of course, because I believe people really care about what rattles around between my slightly pointed ears, I share it with all 7 of you here.
Please be forewarned, this post is culmination of literally WEEKS, pretty much everything since the last post, of random randomness crossing my mind and my capturing it on paper.
As always, please keep your arms and legs inside of the blog at all times. If at anytime you feel overwhelmed, underwhelmed, or offended, please exit the blog to the left (or right, if you are using a pc)…or air your grievances at the bottom. I’m sure management will get to it…eventually.
So here goes…
You know what really burns my biscuit?! Definitions that use the word you’re looking up to explain the meaning!
Example: Sustainability – Capable of being sustained. –> You know what?…fuck you. You could have just as easily said you don’t know either. No one would have thought any less of you, thefreedictionary.com. No one. But no. You had to go and be a douche and use the word in the definition. Now I’m even more confused because how could a word possibly define itself!?
One of my friends recently asked me (WITH a straight face), “What if we had tails?”
To which I responded, “What if I had different friends?” –> Fair is fair.
::sigh:: Ok fine!
She had just drained a bottle of Pinot (YES! All by herself)…and the family dog was standing next to her. I suppose, if we are going to think about it, the question isn’t completely far-fetched, given the circumstances. Not in the least. But I still wonder how she hasn’t been lured away by a stranger in a van with candy or the promise of a puppy.
I think…I think those “fancy” auto-flushing toilets waste more water than I would if I were manually flushing. –> Please imagine me saying “fancy auto-flushing toilets” as Sarah Palin. Aptly appropriate.
Think about it.
It flushes when I walk into the stall, it flushes when I squat, flushes as I fix my clothes, flushes when I reach for the stall door, flushes when I walk out of the stall, flushes as I reach the sink.
I mean what was wrong with the toilets you had to flush manually? At least with those you didn’t run the risk of possibly being sucked into the great abyss while your nooks and crannies were exposed!
I had absolutely no problem with manually flushing for 3 reasons:
- If I didn’t want to use my hand, I could use my foot to flush.
- I didn’t care if I touched the handle because I still got to wash my hands! #Winning
- One flush usually did it…usually. –> I’m not saying any more.
Point is…if your objection to manually flushing is #1, well allow me to promptly direct you to #2…WASH YOUR HANDS YOU DIRTY ANIMAL!
Seriously, adults that DO NOT wash their hands…I don’t know. I propose a North Korean style military camp for punishment. Let’s capture these disgusting idiots, Laura Ling style, and keep them for 6 months.
That should be enough to reform them.
Oh and don’t worry, like any other government, I’d totally deny that this place existed.
Torture WOULD NOT take place.
“Spirited behavioral re-engineering” is what we would specialize in.
That certainly is not torture.
Bottom line: If you don’t wash your hands, you deserve EVERY SINGLE germ you come in contact with from the time you enter the bathroom until the time you leave.
Every. Single. One.
Ain’t enough hand sanitizer in the world…#Icant. I’m done.
Speaking of friends…
I think I’ve lost the ability to make new ones. Like, completely. *kanyeshrug*
Buuut….America legitimately has a song “celebrating” a flag!? And its lyrics are mad hype over the flag!
…c’mon, son. We aren’t the only ones with a flag. Hell we aren’t even the only ones with red, white and blue as our colors!
Pistachios = the “Adult” sunflower seed. Not punishable by caning.
Laaaadiiiiiessss!!! Is it just me or…do bras just completely give up on life after 12hrs? I know there are those special 12-18hr bras, buuut… there is NOTHING pretty about them.
Oh, and they’re REALLY itchy.
When I grow up, I want to be a power broker. I want to be that critical moving piece that has the power to make or break shit. Yes. That’s what I want.
Kraft Mac & Cheese. The Blue box! It’s the cheesiest!!!! –> Then I write madness like this and it completely nullifies the previous line.
It takes me about 8hrs to drink a 16oz bottle of water. I just, for some reason, do not want to drink water. I cannot seem to be able to convince myself to do it. It’s so weird.
I think people who don’t have USEFUL types of OCD should be deported to Canada or, or Guam or, even better, Utah!!!! You know all the places you hear about, but you aren’t really sure if the exist.
NO! You cannot believe everything you read! Especially a map! That’s what they want you to think! SHEEP!
But think about it, have you ever really met anyone from Guam or Utah? People go there; never to be seen or heard from again. Seriously.
Utah, though…!? WTF? What’s their state motto, “Uh, yea, we still exist!?”
They’re even shocked by it!
UTAH!!! I’m not even sure I’m spelling that right. Smh…I can’t believe people actually choose to live in Utah. Are there any sports powerhouse teams based there?
PAUSE: Before anyone even asks, the answer is yes. Yes, polygamy is a “team” sport, obviously, but it doesn’t count. And, yes, fair enough, they are, indeed, a powerhouse for it. It’s just, you know, not a NCAA sanctioned activity. But as soon as the paper work goes through!!! Whooooooooo…bohl they in there! Their team name would be Utah Genesis and all their games would start at 1:28 pm. –> You know, because the “go forth be fruitful and multiply” Bible verse is Gen. 1:28?
Oh arrd… I thought it was clever.
“Animal crackers in my soup…” yea buuuuut…THEY’RE SWEET!!!! I don’t want any damned cookies in my tomato soup! Eww!
That “Oh, shit” feeling you get when your boss catches you texting; and there is no way for you to play it off…like, at all. –> Deer in the headlights. O__O
::whispers:: shit!…you then put your phone, screen side down, on the desk.
::15mins later:: You are giggling at one of those insanely accurate e-cards about being caught texting by your boss…
Anywho… I am completely, 100% convinced that in a pinch you could use those toilet seat covers as tissue paper for a gift. I’m not saying that you should, but if you are in a pinch, then it is completely plausible that one would, or could, do that. –> I haven’t tried it…yet.
I am also thoroughly convinced that the office printer is a Transformer. I am, however, having a difficult time deciding if it is a Decpticon or Autobot, but if the names are any indication…
Autobot! –> Totally kidding.
I could use some more (err…better?) failure recovery skills.
That weird Twilight (the show NOT the movie…scoff) moment realize you were singing, and now you’re not, but you can’t exactly pinpoint when you stopped singing, so then you question if you were ever really singing in the first place.
I cannot be the ONLY person this happens to.
#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen someone utters those record stopping 4 words…
LOL no, no, not THOSE record stopping 4 words, the other ones, you know, “That’s not my job.”
The irony is that in 75% of these “TNMJ” cases, it probably is that person’s job! You know why!? Because your employer slid a the following clever line into your job description and contract:
“…And all other duties assigned.”
Or should I say, NEWSFLASH, muthafucka, it is your job!!!!!
::sigh:: IDK what it is about the word “cubby” that strikes up strong nostalgic memories of grilled cheese, blankies, nap time, and Teddy Grams. –> Deep breath. Inhale all the good, warm, safe memories.
Seriously, though, you cannot help but to smile when you hear or say the word cubby.
Try it. I’ll wait.
Exactly. You’re welcome for that.
Straight up, people say some racist ass shit!
Case and point:
I went to Cosi to get soup for lunch. There were two girls, one happened to be Black (G1) and the other was Asian (G2), who were ringing everyone up. The girl who took my order, also Black (G3), came over to the other girls just as it was my turn to pay.
Their conversation went something like this:
G2 to G3: “What’s in that Alaskan salmon salad?”
G2: “What’s in the salmon salad?”
G1: “You work here. How do you not know what goes in it?”
G3: “Why? You liked it?”
G2: Shrug to G1 and responds to G3, “Yea, it was really good.”
G3: “Well, you would like the new Asian salad, too.”
PAUSE: Now it can be argued that G3 was simply suggesting that G2 should try the salad, because she likes salads, and NOT because she was Asian…but I didn’t, don’t, see it that way. Apparently G2 and G1 saw my face, and, I know, WTF? was written all over it. That’s just some ass backwards logic.
No, on the surface…I get it.
The salad’s Asian.
Clearly, both of these things is just like the other.
Yea, no, I totally get it…totally. Though it is HORRIBLY flawed.
G1 just started chuckling, though she made an effort to stifle it, you know her being at work and all. I can’t lie, I smirked. It was kinda funny, and it caught me off guard. It was wrong, and I know better, which is why I stopped.
G2, bless her heart, being outnumbered, handled herself very well. She responded by saying, “Jus’ cuz it’s Asian, don’t mean I’m gonna like it.”
G3 responded with a trite, “Well…I’m just sayin’.”
Listen, Asian people are way more that a monolith of The Great Wall, Dragons, ninjas chop sticks and rice. They cannot simply be distilled down and represented by a crappy lump of mixed greens drenched in some rendition of a gross, watery soy ginger-terriaki sesame seed dressing (because it’s ALWAYS a gross, watery soy ginger-terriaki sesame seed dressing, with, like, 4 Mandarin oranges tossed on top. ALWAYS)!
This is a perfect example of covert racism. Black people, NEWSFLASH, just because you are Black, that does not make you exempt from being a racist. NOT AT ALL! There is no affirmative action racist clause. I’m sorry, but we’lln’t get a pass because of slavery. We just don’t. –> I feel like I may have taken this alllllll the way LEFT. I don’t care because it needs to be said.
I know, you’re all like, “Well duh,” but no. Apparently there are still Black people who believe they aren’t or can’t be racist because their ancestors were slaves.
Smh. The ignorance is frightening in these streets. And that sentiment wreaks of backwards entitlement, no?
Hi. We, as a part of the larger group of ethnicities (is that the right word?), or colored people* (?), are now the majority (though we do not have the “legitimate” power that often comes with such an “achievement”), which means you can definitely be a racist. People, such as myself, are toooootalllllyyyyy gonna call you out on that shit now. And that’s not to say you couldn’t be, or weren’t, a racist before.
So…you’re welcome for this. Consider it a warm-up.
Oh, BTW, reparations – Not gonna happen.
An apology – Don’t hold your breath. –> WHAT? Listen, this is not Australia. They don’t care.
And if there is anyone out there that believes that they could justify to me, by using real logic, not that fucktarded brand of “truthiness” Teapublicans like to employ, to explain why you believe Black people aren’t or can’t be racist, please, PLEASE, feel free to leave me a comment. I’d LOVE to chat with you.
I would totally relish my participation in that convo.
*Drops the mic and sets soapbox on fire*
Umm…”Keep your eyes peeled,” feels like such a strange cannibalistic/Saw-esque thing to say. #justsayin
Ok sooo…you’re married now and you’ve given birth to “The sacred lamb of Tribeca…”
Can we please, PLEASE, PLEEEEEAAASSSEEEEEE have a Bey and Jay (feat. Ye) album!?! For goodness sake, people already think the apocalypse is upon us, as it is. Can we at least get some quality apocalypse music?!
I just want a whole album of BANGERS! One right after another. If it was all tracks similar to Dangerously in Love and Hollywood…psssh… I’d buy that whole damn album BEFORE they could release the entire thing track by track on the radio.
I just feel like that would be EPIC.
Popcorn Chicken = Chicken Nuggets… it’s the same damn thing.
That “2pm feeling” is SO super real.
Do You Remember the Time!?! Son…click here. Please take a second to relive the moment you first saw that music video.
I’ve never, EVER, been able to dance, unfortunate I know, but MJ
has had me believing I could Tut the hell out of this song!!
WHAT!? Ya’ll ain’t ready.
I also remember being HORRIFIED when he made out with Iman! I didn’t even know what “asexuality” was, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t think, at the ripe age of, what 9/10?, that NO woman should be subjected to that! IDGAF that it was MJ. *kanyeshrug* <– To this day, I still have to look away when that scene comes up. I just can’t do it.
And then Naomi Campbell…And then Lisa Marie Presley…
Liz Taylor???… <–
I do believe, both Michael and Janet mumble in their songs. Scream is a highly stylized, rhythmic collection of socially conscious mumble…And I’m totes cool with that. <– My usage of “totes” sends one of my cousins into an uppity rage. LOL
Randomly, while I was at work, I could taste and smell white wine – bottled. A chardonnay to be specific.
It was very fruity. A deep grape finish. Lots of depth, but still very clean and refreshing.
Pitchforks are for hicks. Tridents are for WINNERS!!! #RememberThat
Ok, well, I guess that is enough consciousness for now. I’ll let you wrap you mind around what we covered and we’ll pick it up again, hopefully not months from now, but no promises.
Speak your mind…
Note*: Colored as described by the NAACP, not Jim Crowe