Stream of (unconscionable) Consciousness

Ok well maybe unconscionable isn’t exactly what will be put on display, but I’m a sucker for a catchy title…

This post is a little rough though. If you have a weak stomach or you ate glitter and rainbows for breakfast, I’m sure NPR has something lovely for you to check out.

 

Anywho, these are the random things that have popped into my mind over the last week or so. So if it feels a bit manic, well, it’s supposed to be. That’s what a stream of consciouness is.

Warning: Keep your arms and legs inside of the blog at all time. Secure all personal items of value to your person. Management is not liable for the loss or theaft of personal items. Thank you in advance. Enjoy your stay.

 

Never once, never, ever, has Louis Vuitton EVER made a track suit. Ok that may not be true, but I’m pretty sure they never made a track suit that looked like a misintentioned love child of “leather” and valor (could have been brown crushed velvet…who’s to say?). And why, in the name of all that is holy, is the “LV” emblem crooked!?!

#StopRightThere and #GetYourLife

 

And are those MATCHING brown AF1s!?!

Since when!?!?!?!

 

#Imdone

 

Q-Tip’s “The Renaissance” and Erykah Badu’s “New Amerykah, Pt. 2” albums are that WORK. If you don’t own them…well then you must hate art of the musical-kind.

 

Jersidelphians have a very distictive walk about them. It’s very determined. Almost as if we will walk THROUGH someone. I attibute it to our lack of MEANINGFUL sunny days.

 

I NEED to move to Cali or Florida…or Brazil…or St. Where-ever-the-hell-isn’t-New Jersey!

 

I hate it here.

 

I feel like the Eagles official catchphrase should be, “Well, there’s always next year right!?”

 

Dear North Jersey,

You are NOT New York!

So cut it out already.

Signed,

Annoyed

P.S.- Ladies of North Jersey, that Oompa Loompa thing you got going on…yea…it’s NOT that hotness. Don’t worry, your Patron Mother Snooki will also continuously be checked on this AFFRONT AGAINST HUMANITY as often as possible.

 

WTF?! Do people actually think that’s cute!?

 

OMG don’t even get me started on the “duck lips” pose they pair with it! Always in the freakin bathroom, too!!<– Makes me angry just thinking about it.

 

I STILL feel like Riley in the “Fundraiser” episode of the Boondocks (Watch the whole clip, because it’s really funny, or skip to 1:17 for relevance):

“Yo fuck my quarter-life crisis. F*ck my rampant insecurity. F*ck not having a permanent job. F*ck the “American Dream”. F*ck corruption. F*ck my inability to speak a second language. F*ck winter. F*ck people who don’t take responsibility for their actions. F*ck Facebook and what it does to people’s self-esteem. F*ck my life plan and the way it’s falling apart. F*ck this everyone is engage, married or baby having phenomenon. And f*ck my inability to make a decision for my next move!”

 

Ahh. I feel better.

 

#RealRap EVERYONE, and I do mean EVERYONE, is getting married, knocked up or purchasing real estate.

 

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG!?!?!<– Uhh…writing shit like this.

 

 

-___-

 

 

Speaking of people being engaged/baby thing. Listen. This is gonna come off like I’m a hater, and whatever if that’s what you think, then so be it. As you already know…I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!

 

Anyway, I think there are really only three people in my life I would genuinely be happy for if they told me they were engage/having a baby. Ok, I should actually say estatic and over the moon happy for. I mean I’m happy for others, if that is indeed what they want to do. You’re life; do with it what you damn well please. <– This is like a mantra or something. You’ll see.

 

But, yea, there are only three. The rest of you…well…don’t worry. I’d still get you a really nice gift…if I was invited (especially after this ignorant shit. Smh) to the wedding.

 

DON’T. Don’t. DO NOT ask me if I would be happy for you if you told me you were engaged.

 

Do not do it.

 

I know you want to know because you think you are one of the sacred three, but trust me…you’re not.

I’m not kidding. Whoever texts me and asks me if they are one of the three, I swear, I will ignore you for a month. I’ll even go so far as to delete you on Facebook.

 

Listen. Just surprise me with a wedding invitation that says “Open bar” and “No children.”

 

I’ll be there.

With freakin bells on. #YouCanBelieveThat

 

Here’s the irony: all of those commitments (engaged/married/kids/house) scare the bejesus out of me. I think it’s the “permanace” they symbolize. I really I just want the option to decline those things. You know like a female-friendly work-life balance option: most women already know whether or not they want to be stay at home moms, but having the protected right and option of a very flexible work schedule, and then declining it, is much appreciated (and empowering…so I’ve heard). <– I have to stop watching The Good Wife.

 

I could go for some delicious steak fries smothered in Cheese Whiz and ketchup. NOT catsup!!<– Heinz only!

 

I’ve had that Siamese cat song, I think from Lady and the Tramp, stuck in my head all week! It’s so random. (Hums the melody) <– O_o WTF is wrong with me!?

…those were some creepy ass cats… Never mind the absolutely HORRID and STEREOTYPICAL accent given to them.

 

Damn ethnocentristic Disney movies.

 

 

I feel like I am excelling at mediocrity.

 

I want to delete Facebook, but then what would I do with my life?

 

I am the WORSE speller ever. Google (and my Mac) are the best spellcheck ever.

 

Hands down.

 

When is TrueBlood coming back? When will Dexter be back? I need a REAL premium channel addiction, and Game of Thrones isn’t cutting it for me. Though, Spartacus was an excellent substitute.

 

I feel like I should be more socially conscious, but, God, I really haven’t found anything that I passionately give that many fucks about.

Oh, oh don’t give me that. Listen you “holier than thou” folks out there, save it! Seriously, I doubt many of you are actually behind any specific cause. Sure some of you are, and kudos to/for you, but the rest of you are probably like me, you are, and quite honestly feel, conditioned for giving. Maybe we just want to be good humans. Then again, you may do it so you can’t or won’t be called an asshole. Guilted into blind obligatory giving. #Fools!

However, I feel like an asshole because I’m not being honest. Not with myself certainly not with the organization that just guilted me into giving them my loose change. Not to mention, half most of the time I don’t actually trust these NGOs to actually use the money the way they should or give it to those in need (Hello Katrina victims. How are things moving along down in Haiti? Hm. Exactly). Unlike corporate charitable giving, that has to be audited, there are…you know what? Never mind.

 

Moving on (drops mic and sets soapbox on fire).

 

There is this Verizon commercial that makes me LOL every single time. EVERY. TIME.

 

MAAASSSSSSS-AAAA-CHUUUUU-ESSETSSSSS!!!! <;– Random insider. Just know that my friends are jerks; even especially to each other.

 

The act of eating shelled sunflower seeds by anyone over the age of 11 should be deemed a felony and punishment should be PUBLIC caning. ON. THE. SPOT.

Yes, Singaporean styled corporal punishment will nip that nasty bullshit right in the bud!

 

Dear Smokers,

No, no, hear me out. I know you are sick of hearing people harp on you about smoking. I know. It sucks (*giggles* no pun intended. I didn’t even intentionally mean for that to be there. BONUS!). You have every right to smoke. It’s a free country, DAMMIT! Your right to do whatever the hell you want is well protected, allegedly, by the government. So please, by all means, do you. Listen, I respect your right to slowly kill yourself. I have no problem with it. Zero!

And much the same, as you have the right to do as you please, I, too, have that same right.

So I will exercise my right of speech.

::Ahem::

I do have a problem with you trying to kill and take me to hell with you!!!

I am sick and tired of walking into your noxious plumes of second hand smoke as I enter and exit buildings, minding my own business. Why? Whhhhyyyyyyyyyy, must you smoke where we all can see you!? Have you not been SHAMED enough to go into hiding while smoking!?!?

I got an idea!

We should create “smoking shaming dens.” These dens will essentially work the same as the Republican shaming tactics proposed for abortion. Mhm, but instead of some strange middle-aged man forcing you to think about your decision and thus shaming you, there will be a law that has ads of young children with heart-melting eyes flat-out pleading with you to stop. It will be full-on shameless shameful shaming!!!

SHAMELESS SHAMEFUL SHAMING!

We’ll get t-shirts and a website and make a social-networking campaign splash!! We’ll get shaming experts – Sarah Palin, Glen Beck, Michelle Bachman, Rush Limbaugh, and RICK SANTORUM – to host and speak at rallies!!!!

#ShamelessShamefulShaming2012!!!

 

This is a movement people.

 

Let’s do this!

Signed,

I. Love. Fresh. Air…assholes

 

Why do they keep giving Kifer Sutherland tv shows?! Like c’mon, there has got to be some other middle aged made-for-primetime-tv action star.

 

I mean…Seriously.

 

“This is America; Fear works best.” -Carlene, GCB <– Truth.
Fear is THE BEST motivator. Ever.

 

ACE of BASE!!! Aaahahahahahaha.

 

“Be careful. It’s a dangerous time when you’re young and your hormones aren’t in pill form.” -Carlene, GCB

I want Texas to really be like GCB. Like I really, really, REALLY, want it to. Holy Rollers, barbecue and all!

 

Finally…

 

 

Dear God,

Are you there you there? It’s certainly NOT Margaret. How are you? I’m well. I know we don’t speak, often (or…at all, really).

My bad.

Anywho, I’m here to ask you a favor. I know. I know. I have don’t really have the to right, but please just hear me out. I would like for you to grant me three things (I know you’re not a genie, but that’s all I could come up with. sorry…).

Ok so, the things I want or rather would like for you to help me steer clear of are the following when I get old:

1. I don’t want dementia/Alzheimer’s

2. I want to retain full mobile/cognitive abilities

and finally…

 

Please, God, please…

 

3. Don’t let me get fat ankles.

 

 

I just…I just don’t think I could do it.

 

Thanks in advance.

Signed,

A Saint that lives a Sinner’s life

 

 

Yea…soooo…that’s the crap that runs through my mind. I think I want to make this a regular blog post. You know what, I’ll even open it up to some others out there who I really, really, reeeeaaaaallllyyyyyyyy, want to know what the hell goes on in the dark recess of their minds.

Anywho, I hope you all enjoyed your time in the rabbit hole. Please check for your belongings and alight the blog to your left (or right if you have a Windows based machine). You’re welcomed back anytime! Hey, even tell a friend or two (or 1,000).

 

Thanks!!

 

 

Speak your mind…

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About themeanblackgirl

My name says it all!
Gallery | This entry was posted in Shenanigans. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Stream of (unconscionable) Consciousness

  1. AK says:

    Boom, bitch! You just got OWNED!

  2. Pingback: Stream of (unconscionable) Consciousness II | The Mean Black Girl Says…

  3. Pingback: Stream of (unconscionable) Consciousness III | The Mean Black Girl Says…

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