Guest Blog Post: I’ve Been Hoodwinked!

Hello Mean-ions!!! As always I am swamped!! (#Storyofmylife) I have a mid-term and I have no clue how to do anything that is on this damned test!! Anyway, today I am honored to have the hilariously outrageous musings of Sistah Hollywood. Our paths happen to cross in the most unlikely of ways, but I respect her POV and her strait forward realness! This chick…maaaannnnnn, listen! I don’t know what kind of crazy life she signed up for, but my God there is never, EVER, a dull moment–and she loves every moment of it!


So Meanies, without further adieu, I give you Sistah Hollywood… *Applause*


Ok so, ummm, lol, what had happened… I met this dude on blackplanet.com around ’99. We hit it off, talked almost every day, sent pics to each other; yada yada yada. He was some kind of whatever in the Army and resided on the base in South Carolina. So, after 3 months of oozing ‘I like you so much’ all over each other *smh*, he arranged for me to come see him.

Now in the photos, dude was really attractive – buffed, nice muscles, etc. I made sure to look extra cute and put my best forward and had already decided that if dude looked as good as he did in those pictures, it was on and poppin…

I walk out to meet him at his ride, this muthaf*cker looked like…

A BLACK PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY!

SMDH Now let me be clear, I have NO PROBLEM dating a man who is a heavy, that doesn’t define you. What I do have a problem with (and did) is a man who facades like he’s LL, and he really looks like one of the Fat Boys!

So, anywho, I put on a fake smile and greeting, but knew right then and there, he wasn’t gonna see even a pube!

We get to his apartment on the base, where he had two beds. I made sure to set up camp on one. LOL Giving him the obvious notion that “there won’t be no f*king tonight or this weekend!” lol. We sat up and talked…at bedtime I put on sweats and “fell asleep” on my bed– without him in it.

Next morning (Saturday), we drove to Myrtle Beach. He was nice enough to buy me a 2 piece (body was tight then, lol) and a beach towel. We got to the beach and he didn’t want to walk the beach; he wanted to go to the Broadwalk bar and do what…

EAT!!

Smh. So we basically split up; he did him, I did me. We met back for dinner, which was like having two mimes at dinner. Lol. We were both just blank staring at each other with no convo.

We headed back to the base and while in the car I fell asleep. While I was asleep this mofo tried to fondle me! I pushed his hand away, told him to stop, and went back to sleep. Smh.

Here’s where it gets HILARIOUS.

Back at his spot I rinsed out my bathing suit and towel and hung it up in the bathroom. Then took my a** to bed. Sunday morning arrives and I noticed he’s not there. When I go into the bathroom I realized my stuff was gone!! While in the bathroom I hear him come back. So I came out, said good morning, then asked where my stuff was.

Him: “Good morning. Don’t worry about your stuff.”

Me: “Excuse me? What do you mean??” *Confused face*

Him: “I took the stuff I bought you down to the Red Cross and gave it to charity.” He then pulled out a cigar and starts to light it.

Me: “Are you serious? And what for?!” *Mad as hell face*

Him: “Don’t worry about all that. I also took the liberty of changing your flight today– it leaves in 30 minutes. So you should get going.” He puffs his cheap ass cigar.

Me: “N*GGA WHAT?! You live 45 minutes from the airport!!! WTF?!?!” I started gathering my crap!

He just sat on the bed, puffing his damned cigar.

So then, ish took a turn for the…ummmm WORSE! LMAO SMDH. So while I’m rushing, trying to get dress, I’m on my cell calling one of my sisters. When I get on the phone, I’m yelling about how, “This muthaf*cker had the AUDACITY to change my flight because I wouldn’t give him any ass!” While I’m cussing, yelling and telling my sister the story, Dude is in the background poppin ish. LOL smh.

Him: “I’m not going to be too many of those.”

Me: “F*CK YOU! You showed up looking NOTHING like your pic– shit on a stick! Your personality sucks in person, but I’m supposed drop trough?! N*GGA PLEASE! F*CK YOU!” I’m still rushing to get dress. Smh!

At this point my sister is trying to calm me down, so I can just get out of there and get to the airport. I’m still cussing. Then I hear this hard knock at the door…

In walks military police (MP)…

SMH.

Dude proceeds to tell the MP that I won’t leave his room. *Rolls eyes* The MP starts asking me questions, before I answer them, I ask the MP, “Why are you asking ME questions?! Why don’t you ask HIS *points finger* punk ass why he changed my flight, which now leaves in 10 minutes!!!”

Anyone in military knows MP’s don’t break stride. He stood there asking the same questions and requested my ID. So I calmed down and answers his questions. After his interrogation, I asked if I could get my bags and leave. The MP told me a taxi was waiting out front already and I had to leave immediately!

*DEAD*

Before I walked out, I called Dude a punk-ass asshole. LMAO! The MP followed me out to the taxi, and I went to the airport.

I held back my tears. When I got the airport, I realized I had missed my flight! I got to the ticket counter and asked for a new flight– AND I just burst into tears. SMDH. The ticket lady asked what was wrong, I gave her the short version.

I wound up getting my new flight upgraded–for free. *shrugs*

I never spoke to that piece of sh*t again.

Smh, true story.

The End.

Speak your mind…

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About themeanblackgirl

My name says it all!
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