“…I hope you have not lost another…”
You know, things –life…GOD– are funny. My first blog post of this year was supposed to be inspirational. It was supposed to speak to the new possibilities bought along with this new year. How enough determination and hard work with get you where you need to be…you know like Visa. How we should use the losses of last year to spawn the fight and fuel the argument for living life to the fullest and furthest extent.
But that isn’t the case.
It never is.
Every time I fix myself to do a “regular” post, my life throws me a curve ball that then requires me to speak on it. So here goes… *In full disclosure mode…* these are the REAL emails sent between HB and I. There are only two. My email sent to him and his response. My email was sent on New Year’s Eve. However, it had been drafted almost a month ago. I couldn’t send it.:
“I don’t think it’s meant to be, be But she loves her work more than she does me And honestly, at twenty-three I would probably love my work more than I did she So we, ain’t we It’s me, and her ‘Cause what she prefers over me, is work And that’s, where we, differ So I have to give her Free, time, even if it hurts So breathe, mami, it’s deserved You’ve been put on this earth to be All you can be, like the reserves And me? My time in the army, it’s served So I have to allow she, her, time to serve The time’s now for her. In time she’ll mature And maybe we, can be, we, again like we were Finally, my time’s too short to share And to ask her now, it ain’t fair So yeah, she lost one”
“I listened to this song so many times. Listening to these lyrics. Over and over. I feel like I did you wrong and worse yet I wasn’t even woman enough to say these things to you, at the very least, over the phone. I want to tell you that I did have all intentions to come to Bangalore, but things just did not work out in my favor, and to a degree, I was cool with that, but I know you’re not. I know I hurt you, and I swear it was not my intention to do that. You are such a beautiful person, and, like they always say, in a different time and a different place, who know’s what may have happened? I appreciate all the hospitality you showed. Even beyond that, genuine love. I really do appreciate that. I know, I didn’t say it back because I was taught you do not say you love someone unless you absolutely mean it, and I could not mean it 100%. I do, however, care for you. Again, you are a wonderful person. An upstanding man, son and friend. I feel extremely blessed to have met you. You’re forever a part of my “Indian Adventure”, part of my experience and thereby a part of me forever. I’m sorry for any pain I caused you.”
As much as I try to make this sound genuine and full of caring, it still feels sterile. Like something is missing.<–Hmm…Maybe a soul? I did care for him, but I feel like he was deeper in than I was. And although that wasn’t, or ISN’T, my fault, somehow I still feel responsible. I feel like I pulled him into this. Took his heart and did with it what I pleased and tossed it away like a soiled paper towel when I was done.
I mean, I did care for him…but maybe not enough. Maybe I should have let things end when the night in Bangalore ended. That would have worked for me, and that is only because I wouldn’t be sitting here on my couch writing THIS blog post a little (or a lot) guilt ridden, instead of washing my hair. Now, as I pause to read over the other stuff I just wrote, I find that I am not being real.
I DO care for him…and that’s the bottom line. Travel Buddy was right, but I feel that I was right too. You cannot, you do not, “fall in love” with someone in a mere 5 or 6 weeks. You just don’t. That’s not practical! But I guess you can care deeply for them.
Right? Yea…I guess.
No matter. This is what I woke up to New Year’s Day, in addition to a Facebook comment full of well wishes for the new year.: “I feel u….seein u again would have made my 2010 fulfilled though, but it’s ok. What to do? Just want[ed] to wish you, again, a fulfilled and prosperous 2011 my darling. The time we spent together was not sufficient, but we made it last just the way it came, and, honestly, I enjoyed every bit. I hope to see you again in this life….”I miss u and miss u” understand this. U’re a gift, never told u, but [I] will on this 1st day of 1.1.11. I have come to love u just the way u are, but I hope you have not lost another….Happy new year sweetheart.”
My eyes just teared up as I reread that. SMH…Really?<–Rhetorical, to myself…and I don’t even fully know what it means. So at this point it just means, really!?
Damnit, damnit, damnit…
::sigh:: TB was right…and I did everything in my power to make her wrong.
I do care for him.
You know women, we all say we want a nice guy. Someone who is willing to build with us. Someone who understands us and will put up with our absolutely unreasonable neuroticism that flares up whenever the wind blows the wrong way.<–Yea, speaking for myself on that one, but you know what I mean.
A man that is willing hold you down, and not pull you down. A man more than willing to bask in the glow of your success and shine; and in no way feels slighted or less than what he is because, for a split second, you’ve achieved more. A man willing to take a stand and tell you that he’ll give you the universe, so long as you understand it just won’t happen overnight and he needs to know you’ll be there for every step of the way.
We say we want these things…but what happens when we get it?
What happens when this man comes to you? When there are no excuses as to why this wouldn’t really work–why it couldn’t work if you wanted it to. Why when the Ubiquitously Omniscient Being of the Universe gives you exactly what you’ve been BMC-ing*…::ahem:: I mean, “praying”… for and you damn near get whiplash from turning up your nose and giving that man, you asked for, BTW, your ass to kiss as though he were an insult!?
Ain’t that some shit!?!
Then, what happens when you wake up and realize you were wrong? 100% completely and truly WRONG!? Does your ungrateful ass even deserve another chance?
“I hope you have not lost another…”
…yea…somehow I managed to lose a game that I crafted and wrote the rules to myself, in spite of having a coach on the sidelines telling me what (NOT) to do.
Speak your mind….
*Note- BMC-ing means “Bitching, moaning and complaining.”