The Differently Stable…

CRAZY PEOPLE…

W.T.F!!??!

No seriously, what in the hot hell is wrong with you? And why don’t you do that stuff in private where WE (meaning relatively “normal” people) cannot see or be affected by you?

::Sigh::

In my life I’ve come across a lot of things and crazy people seem to be in abundance!

Shocker, I know.

Have you ever just watched a crazy person? I mean like actually taken time out of your day to actively analyze their movements. If you haven’t, try it– it’s mesmerizing. Those of you who have, a time or two, feel me on this. The task of watching, in and of itself, has to be done in such a way that the Crazy, doesn’t catch you gawking and then subsequently goes apeshit on you (but more on this later).

Now watching a Crazy in a creatively inconspicuous way may lead you to look crazy, but it’s well worth it, in my humble opinion. It is important that you clearly and accurately identify the type of Crazy you want to watch. Understand that depending on the type of Crazy you are near will dictate the appropriate style of gawking. I’m going to list a few of the most prominent types of Crazy you may encounter and how to observe/interact with them from a SAFE distance. In no way is this list exhaustive, as a matter of fact, I invite you all to add to it.

As we all know there are many, many different types or, as I like to call them, “brands” of crazy. Here are my top 5!

1. The Whisperer: Ok I respect that, on occasion, a full blown whispered self-conversation is needed. I mean, yea, sometimes shit just does not make sense until you whisper it to yourself in an astoundingly annoying (to others) way. Fine. Cool. Whatever. Now you get moved into the crazy category by doing this mess ALL THE TIME!!! Like seriously, no seriously, if I can see you actually asking yourself a question, then stopping and thinking about it–and I mean really, really thinking about it…hard–then you proceed to explain the subject matter of the question, to yourself. Then interrupt your explanation, to yourself, to ask yourself a clarifying question, answer the clarifying question and then continue your previous explanation! And, as you are explaining the topic, TO YOURSELF, you are nodding in agreement with that stupid “Hmm, that’s a good point” face people make.<– You know the one, both eyebrows raised, eyes looking to the ceiling, the corners of your mouth turned down and your bottom lip is poked out a bit, you’re shaking your head, while it’s leant to the side, in agreement. Yea, you know…because you just did it! Bonus: This brand of crazy comes with animated facial expressions and sporadic hand and body gestures, to further drive home the explanation…TO YOURSELF!!

The watching style for the Whisperer brand of crazy is just a general stare. I mean try not to be painfully obvious, but it’s ok to look for blocks of time because this Crazy is so wrapped up in their “discussion” that they won’t really notice you right away…if at all. Just for safe measure, though, look away at other things around the room-train-plane-car in their general direction. This particular Crazy is in no way dangerous, so if you get caught gawking, it’s fine. They’re likely to be more embarrassed for having been caught than you are for having openly watched them for the last 15-20mins.

2. The Random Laugher: This Crazy is similar to the Whisperer a bit, but with the exception that it doesn’t come with a warning. This person can seem relatively “normal;” they very well may be…Hmm. Usually when I encounter this type of Crazy, it’s a subsequent side effect of the Whisperer crazy, but when it isn’t, it can be really off putting because it’s so random. You know how a room can be dead silent, everyone working diligently on whatever, and then out of the corner of your eye you see a special nut job throw their head back and just laugh…THEN THEY GO BACK TO HAVING A STRAIT FACE?!?! WHAT!? Whooooa there, crazy pants, whoa. The fact that it’s such a sudden movement and then they resume what they were doing like NOTHING EVER HAPPENED, is what qualifies this as a brand of crazy!

More often than not you’ll be observing this Crazy out the corner of your eye because it’s not a planned action and you’ll never see it coming. As a result, however, your Crazy-sense will be tingling and you’ll periodically have the urge to peer at them out the corner of your eye to make sure they haven’t progressed further into a Whisperer.<– Likely to happen. 92% chance of happening (with a standard deviation of +/- 2.4).

3. The “Mindreader”/Conclusion Jumper To-er: Ok this is where the fun begins. The previous two brands of Crazy are mere child’s play in comparison to this one. This person is a trip and they have the power to make you THINK you’re the crazy one. Caution: Mind control in use. This person will, likely, accuse you of having thought/done something that is so far out in left field they may actually be right…or at least make you think they are. With this Crazy, the simplest things can be distorted and rearranged in such away that the use of logic in any “discussion” with them will AUTOMATICALLY result in your loss of that battle. AUTOMATIC LOSS and probably a headache.

Now the tricky part with this type of Crazy is you never know you’re in it, until YOU’RE IN IT. Here’s an example: Let’s say that you are having a friendly debate about something that recently happened in pop culture, such as Beyonce (LOL, yes apparently Beyonce is both a noun and verb, all at the same time, but in a good way), and the person happens to be a HUGE Bey fan. Let’s say that you state you do not particularly care for Beyonce and the way that she is hyper-sensualized and is constantly perpetuating the image of a hyper-sexualized woman, who always happens to be a minority–though she does know how to make a catchy club banger. Initially they will state, very rationally in a calm voice, that her “appeared” hyper-sexuality is merely a byproduct of her performer persona and that it in no way reflects who she is. You respond ok (in agreement), and proceed to ask, then with all her market power, influence and money, why doesn’t she change her image to one that can be viewed as positive or, at the very least, less sexualized. <–This is where the trouble begins. The person’s demeanor will change. Their posture will become rigid and the crazy will flood to the surface. Think of it like when you were little and you would be play fighting and someone would get hit a little too hard and, without warning, they would take it to the next level, and the next thing you know somebody’s got a busted lip and the necks of everyone’s t-shirts are all stretched out and everybody is sweaty, out of breath, and PISSED! Yea…it’s kinda like that. The Crazy informs you that if it were not for Bey, then you would not be here because she is the ultimate force of the universe and is holding everything together (hmm, interesting POV). She also single handedly saved music from a downward spiral; she IS the music Messiah (BTW, you’re scared now, because their voice has become shrill, they are standing over you and aggressively pointing at you with “crazy eyes” and you aren’t sure if they are going to break down in tears or slap the shit out of you)!! They then tell you that they know what you are thinking! They tell you that, you think they are crazy (FACT), but they aren’t (again…interesting POV)! They are explaining that your lack of respect for Beyonce is a violation of human rights and you should be ashamed of yourself! Fact is you do not know good music and quality artists when you hear/see them (there’s usually spittle and foam at this point. Fair warning)! Subsequently, you also don’t have fashion sense and you don’t love God!

You are now dazed and confused because 1.) You, foolishly, did not know Beyonce is actually the force keeping the galaxy intact, not gravity. D-U-H!<–Joke’s on you, Bill Nye!! 2.) You were not aware that because you do not respect Beyonce (which you never said, BTW) your taste in music is horribly offensive and you lack moral scruple, values, conscience and the capacity to dress yourself in the morning. And 3.) Your butt stinks and you don’t love _________ [Insert either your respective higher being or the phrase “your mom”]. If this were the wild, you’d be considered wounded prey and the predator (or in this case, Crazy) would be well in their right to eat you because you failed according to the laws of Darwinism…and all because you wanted to use logic.<–Smh…I told you not to do that.

This Crazy is interesting because they get their whole body actively involved in their expression of crazy. You should proceed with caution. Also try not to look them strait in the eyes; it’s considered an act of aggression and could escalate the crazy to a whole new level. A sure way of escalation is to either mock the Crazy or just outright laugh at them. If you do either of these things…pssh, smh, I can’t even talk about it. Don’t do it. Just don’t. That’s like taunting a hungry tiger or something crazy like that. You should also make sure there is at least an arm’s length distance between you and the Crazy once they begin standing to make their point; using furniture as a barrier is an excellent allocation of resources!! It’s slows ’em down. Do a quick scan of the room and make note of sharp objects, “quick” projectiles and possible escape routes. If this type of Crazy is someone you have to deal with on the regular, you should probably restrict your conversations to real, real basic stuff, like the weather or, or–shit it doesn’t get any more restricted than the weather; and, with them, even that can be controversial! Just don’t talk to them, or keep it at a minimum…and don’t make eye contact.

4.) The Conspiracy Theorist aka The “WHAT!? WHAT?!?! WHATCHUSAY!?!”-er: LOL, ok I know a couple people that belong in this group (NO NAMES)!! Now that I think about it, these should probably be two separate categories, but God did you see how much I wrote for the last one!?! Ugh, gimme a break. Anyway, the Conspiracy Crazy always, ALWAYS thinks you are doing something behind their back. ALWAYS!! To the point of unattractive paranoia.<–That’s right friends, unwarranted paranoia is a HIGHLY UNATTRACTIVE quality AND incredibly annoying!! This person will change a simple informing conversation into one laced with guilt, based on how no one ever tells them anything and how people are always doing things behind their backs and how people today are no longer trustworthy and everyone is out to get them, blah, blah, blah, blaaaaaah! What-ever, dude! My assumption is that they never factor their crazy into the equation. Another underlying reason for this Crazy is the fact that the person is just plain ol’ nosey! Mind ya business! Jus’ miiind ya business! *Fresh Prince voice.* But seriously, if this person was worried about doing them and being on their shit, then they really wouldn’t have the time to even think others were keeping things from them, let alone allow it to develop into full blown paranoia and, then question the intentions of everyone they meet. #RealTalk

Now when the Conspiracy Theorist becomes aggressive, that’s when they turn into the “What?! WHAT?!? WHATCHUSAY?!?!”-er. This person swears, SWEARS, they have super sonic hearing and that they caught you saying some slick shit under your breath as you walked away. SWEARS it! They always insist that what you allegedly said is something sooo insane you look at them like they have 3 heads! Seriously, how is it that I didn’t say anything, but you managed to hear, “If ______ talks to me like that again, I swear fo’ gawd, I’mma smack ’em in the mouth!” You might have thought that, but because you are at work and the economy is in a certain type of situation, you didn’t say it because you need your job…and you know something just AIN’T right with that person. Again the Crazy’s paranoia will take any “spirited” discussion to a whole new level, AFTER you were under the impression that it was over–you know because you didn’t say anything and neither did they–and ya’ll started on your own separate ways, then all of a sudden they whip around, with a crazed look in their eyes, and ask you what you said. And it’s not the fact they asked you what you said that sets you off, because you already know, by this point, that they’re a few ingredients short of a casserole, but it’s more so the manner in which they do it. A manner that makes you look at them with the “I-wish-you-would” face and ask, very calmly, “Who the F**K are you talking to!?!”<–Whelp…there goes your religion. Yea, again, just make sure there is a table or some other large piece of furniture between you and that person, for the sake of all involve parties as well as any innocent bystanders that may be affected by the residual run-off of this unavoidable encounter that’s. About. To. Go. Down. Now for all those who are opposed to confrontation, I suggest you just walk away and leave them standing there with that crazy ass look, that they most certainly will have, on their face. Even if you’re not adverse to confrontation, but know it’s not a good look in a public setting, just chuck a fresh pair in the air and roll. That’s all you can really do. I also suggest that after this spectacle, you do you and let them do them and everybody stay in their OWN LANE. That’s the safest way to observe this Crazy, by not doing it at all. Do not engage unless direly necessary.

5.) The “Not Even Other Crazy People Will Mess With You” Crazy: Everyone knows someone like this. EVERYONE. Hell you may even be related to one. Oh you’re not sure who that person is? Here’s a quick test: Who is that one person you’d call if you needed to slow walk someone? Yea think about it…if you come up with a name, then that’s your person. If you don’t come up with a name, then you probably are that person for someone else…{Side eye}. I mean this Crazy does come in a standard package, and it’s usually the homeless guy/lady that rolls into the McDonald’s/train/gas station and is talking to themselves and then makes a sudden outburst, scares everyone, and manages to shut the spot DOWN because everyone gets their shit and peaces out! Now the not so standard package is, again, that person you know to call. They are seemingly normal, but you only know they’re not because you got a pep talk from one of your friends of what things not to do so you don’t set them off and get hit with a two piece so decent. They’re usually quite, keep to themselves, don’t bother nooooobody because they don’t want nobody to bother them.<–That’s fair! It’s only when they become remotely agitated that you should gather your things, thank the host for inviting you and make your exodus–QUICK!!

It’s best to observe this Crazy from a safe distance such as from inside of the house or across the street. Somewhere you know that if you get spotted, for inevitably laughing, you’ll have an ample amount of time and space that has to be made up by the Crazy in order for them to get you…that is if they can catch yo’ ass.<–Run, Forrest, run!!

As with all Crazies, my advice is that you do not make eye contact. This is a standard rule because it just is. Eye contact equals an invitation; one that you most certainly DID NOT want to RSVP for. Just stay in your own lane, with your head down and you should, hopefully, make it out unscathed.*

Now here is a checklist to test for Crazy. If you can answer yes to 3 or more of these, CONGRATULATIONS, you’re batshit!!! So, you know you’re crazy if:

1. People don’t make eye contact; they just look down or out the side of their eyes to make sure you’re gone.

2. You get a pep talk before entering certain social situations and, subsequently, have to have a debriefing session to highlight what you did well and what you should work on for next time.

3. People whisper around you or completely stop talking when you enter a room, then give a deer in the headlights expression, and then promptly exit the room.

4. As per TB: You look to pick fights with people, relish in it and get mad if no one obliges your offer!

5. You refer to yourself in the third person.<–Always a dead ringer for CRAZY! Always.

6. People need to psyche themselves up before interacting with you.<–Hype music included!!

7. You become a verb/noun (but in a bad way). As a result of having a ridiculous outburst, where you made strange off kilter accusations that leaves everyone in stunned silence. Once you leave, everyone laughs and expresses how scared they were through silent over-exaggerated facial expression to those who know EXACTLY what they are thinking or verbally in hushed tones, just in case you walk back in. Later you are made into a verb or a noun, depending on semantics of the sentence. Any future such acts of shenanigans will be referred to as your namesake.<–Lucky.

*In announcer voice* We interrupt your regularly schedule program to bring you:

Crazy Brands!!

Buy one! Try one!

Mix ’em! Match ’em!

Wear ’em! Share ’em!

Actively avoid ’em at all costs!!

Available in every possible situation and every location around the globe!! There is no shortage of Crazy…and probably never will be.

Speak your mind…

 

Note: I realize that the word “crazy” can be deemed “offensive” to many, so feel free to change the word “crazy” with the phrase “differently stable” throughout the course of this blog. Of course now that you’ve made it to the bottom, I guess it kind of defeats the purpose. Hmm…*Kanyeshrug*

*Disclaimer: In no way can I guarantee that if you follow these “rules” that you’ll make it out of your “Crazy encounter” unscathed. I cannot make that prediction because I don’t know where you fall on the crazy spectrum, therefore I cannot accurately predict an outcome. So my ultimate advice is keep your arms and legs inside of your own crazy at all times and don’t mix or experiment with Crazies you’ve never met.

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About themeanblackgirl

My name says it all!
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4 Responses to The Differently Stable…

  1. maria says:

    ok. so…. which crazy are you??

    • LOL, ummm…hmm…I guess I would have to be, I mean if I had to choose one, the Mindreader/Conclusion Jumper to-er!! I mean how else could I come up with half of this stuff I write? Half of it is fact and the rest is made up in the “special room” in my head. And #4 on the checklist was created especially for me. Ehh, what can I say, I like a good dust up every now and again!

  2. Vanessa says:

    my favorite part of the entire blog was You know the one, both eyebrows raised, eyes looking to the ceiling, the corners of your mouth turned down and your bottom lip is poked out a bit, you’re shaking your head, while it’s leant to the side, in agreement. Yea, you know…because you just did it!…yea cause i definetly was tryna get the corner of my mouth to go down and couldnt really do it lol..i’m definetly the type of crazy that will answer my own question thou..o well

    • The funny thing is I’ve seen you make this face!! LOL! I mean talking to yourself is one thing…answering is a whole ‘nother! It’s all good b/c it takes all kinds. And without Crazies, I wouldn’t have a blog.

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