Dude…I’m in India.

I was going to do one of those “this is the person I was before I left and this is who I hope to be when I return” sappy kind of posts…

Yea…well…

Here are the TOP TEN* things that have happened to me since I left the USA:

1. I almost died on my way to JFK.

My right hand was driving like a bat out of hell. Granted I appreciated it, but just because the GPS started to die and was going to shut down (10sec warning), that is no reason to JUMP 2 lanes of traffic as your mechanism to inform everyone else of this happening!!! …I almost peed myself…

2. Oh and one more thing…

My Travel Buddy (TB), needed to mail a letter before we boarded. NBD (No Big Deal), even though we were in line to go through TSA (a very empty line, btw). We get out of line and ask one of the security guards where we can find either a mailbox or something like that. She goes to the mail place, I go to the bathroom. We meet by the vending machines, and then a look of dread comes over her face, “I left my phone in the restaurant.” Ok, well, you run back to the restaurant, and I’m gonna stay right here near the TSA checkpoint and check out this little store and get me some gum before we get on this plane…eventually. She goes off to the restaurant, comes back and then, all of a sudden, the TSA line is BANANAS!!!

Damn.

3. The idea of a “space-buffer” is a very western concept.

So I’m standing in the, now, crowded and extremely slow moving TSA line with my carry-on strapped to my back. For some reason, beyond my comprehension, they were asking people to stand side-by-side in 2 lines, then splitting the lines again, but there were only two places were your passport can be checked! WTF!??! Ass backwards. So as we are moving through this line, I kept feeling someone on my backpack. I turn around and I see this little old Indian couple standing in my buffer!!! So I move up a little bit and then stare them down. Then I noticed TB abruptly turned around and ice grilled the old couple too!!! So she moved up too! For the next 15-20mins this was the strange dance we were engaged in. Finally we get to the conveyer-belt that takes your carry-on through the x-ray machine, and the old dude is practically on my back trying to get one of those plastic containers you have to put all your clothes in.<– LOL, not really, but it does feel like you’re stripping down…for free…in front of strangers.

4. Those damn TSA metal detectors…

It took me 4 times to get though that stupid thing. First my belt set off the machine. Then the quarter that was in my pocket set it off. Next, I forgot that my Stunna Shades were on top of my head. Then my BFF, the old guys from #3, was trying to run through the thing right after me so that meant I had to go back through! OMFG CAN YOU PLEASE BACK THE HELL UP!?!?! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

5. I got on one of the BIGGEST airplanes I’ve EVER seen in my life!!

I sat in the section immediately behind business class and there were still about 4 or 5 more sections of about 70 people in each section!!! It seemed like it went on forever!! HUGE! The ceiling also had little LED lights in it that mimicked “the night sky.” <– So freaking fly!

6. Children on planes…

SHOULD BE BANNED! O. M. G. There was this little boy, I guess he was 1 or 2, who just would not stop crying!! It was one of those screechy, loud, scream cries, that makes your blood run cold, the hair on the back of your neck stand up and you look at the parents like “Seriously?!?! No, really, SERIOUSLY WTF!!?” Then, in order for him to STFU, they had to let him lead them up and down the aisles!! It was a 13hr flight!! Please drug your kid before you get on the plane. Benadryl, NyQuil, anything is useful! I wanted to clothesline him…but I didn’t want to get shot by the Air Marshal. I mean think about it: I was headed to Dubai + I’m an American + A woman = Not a good look. #Imjustsayin.

And, of course, by the time we were all exiting the plane, HE WAS FAST ASLEEP!

7. I’m Lovin’ It!

McDonald’s fries are STILL just as fantastic in the U.A.E. as they are in the US!! Starbucks is probably better though because the Arabica beans are grown right there!!! Grande Non-fat Caramel Macchiato with extra Caramel, please and thank you! Yummmmm-O!!!

P.S.- They have a Chicken Big Mac!! TRYIN IT!!!

8. I almost missed my flight to India

Ok…well…see what had happened I was really hype that the Dubai airport had free wifi, which meant I could get in contact with the rents and feed my Facebook addiction. I also opened up the Skype and downloaded AIM, because iChat wasn’t trying to be my friend. I was a little distracted. TB went to the bathroom, and ran out about 5mins later like, “Did you just hear that last announcement?”

Me: “Err, um…no.”

TB: “Seriously?!!?! THAT WAS THE FINAL BOARDING CALL FOR OUR FLIGHT!!”

Me: “OH SHIT!!”

::sigh:: I know…I KNOW!!…smh. i. know.

9. EWC or IWC, is the question?

EWC is an acronym for European Water Closet, which is, you know, a toilet in the traditional sense. You know, the china trolley or the porcelain throne. Yea.

IWC…

Yea, no, not so much.

IWC stands for Indian Water Closet which is, pretty much, a porcelain hole in the floor(similar to what the bottom of a urinal looks like, but in the floor) with foot cutouts on either side for proper foot placement (any ladies who have ever gone camping or been on a reeeaaaaalllllyyyyy long car ride know that proper foot placement is the key to success).<–Real talk.

Yea.

I can’t make stuff like this up. I just can’t.

10. The Real Grand Tourismo: India

Ok I take back anything bad I’ve ever said about New York, PA, and RI drivers. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, compares to drivers in India!!! THEY DON’T STOP AT STOP SIGNS!!!! They regularly do 60mph no matter where they are or what’s in the road. They have these crazy barricades in the middle of the road to that you would have to zig-zag through! CRAZY!!!

Speaking of things in the road:

There ARE actually COWS in the middle of the road!!!

COWS!!!

Like, like “Moooooooooooooooooo” cows.

Like, milk and cereal, milk and cookies, milk and PB&J COWS!!!

COWS!

Just maxin’ and relaxin’ like they own the joint!!! In the median STONE COLD CHILLIN

Cows.

*11. An Incident in India

So my first full day in India, Travel Buddy almost got into a fight with a cabbie.

Yea.

Really nice girl, but she goes hard! Don’t test.

But rightfully so. Dude was trying to play us for suckas!! We asked a couple people and found out that the fare should be about 50-60Rs [Rupees] (about a $1.50-2.00 USD). Initially we thought it would be better to just take the bus for about 5Rs (about 6¢. Yes friends that’s six cents!!) <–Mind blowing, I know.

So he pulled up and says he’ll take us up the road, about a mile or so, for 90Rs. Uhh, no! So TB said how about 60 and he kept saying 90. So then she was like 70 and he’s still insisting on 90, meanwhile the bus is riding past. Dammit. Then another bus, less than 10secs behind, passes. Double dammit! So now we’re kinda stressed, because we didn’t get haggling classes at Temple and the language barrier is really a challenge for every party involved and the buses have gone. So we hop in, and inform the driver that when we get to our destination that we are only going to pay him 70Rs.

So we’re riding along, getting more than our fair share of exhaust fumes from the other vehicles (especially the bus that we are directly behind. I do mean directly behind taking in all of that lovely bus smell) because we are, after all, riding in a 3-wheeled auto rickshaw with no doors or windshield and is on that MCI reach out and touch someone plan!! <– SO serious.

We, or should I say I, got an up close and, uh, personal view of the, uh, business end of a cow as we were stuck in an ebb part of the traffic flow.

Yea….wasn’t particularly prepared for THAT experience.

::ahem:: Moving on.

So we get to our destination, which is actually the partner school we’ll be attending while away. We get out and remind him that he’s only getting 70Rs and no more than that, because we were prepared to be swindled a bit, but only a bit! We give him 60Rs and accidentally 10DHS (which is U.A.E. Dirhams [$1 USD = ≈3.50 DHS, not including the exchange fee] and is worth more that 10Rs). So the driver realized that the money we handed him was not Rs and he gave it back, and that’s where TB realized that she’d handed him the wrong currency. So we then tried to give him the additional 10Rs, but he refused to take it and asked for the 10DHS! C’mon dude! Then he tried to get over on us and show us a toll receipt from around 4:40pm…Umm 1st of all, it’s 5:30 and secondly the toll has nothing to do with us. That’s supposed to already be factored in to the final cost! So now we’re looking at him like he’s Boo-Boo the Fool, because we know better. That’s when TB began to lose it and got real American on him and started speaking reeaaal sloooow and reeeaaaal LOUD. <– Not helping, but then again neither was I.

After explaining to him again in the “American,” she threw up her hands and said, “Forget it. Let’s go.”

Huh?!

Wait, what?!? We’re leaving?!?

Mind you dude only has 60Rs in his hand. #kanyeshrug, oh well guess he shoulda got with the program.

I ask, “So we just gon’ walk away??” <–As we’re walking away.

TB says, “Yea,” as she keeps on moving along the extremely uneven roadside.

“Umm, ok, but now dude is following us.”

Yea homeboy finally got the message that he was getting ready to be left with the 60Rs anyone else who wasn’t a naive American tourist would have been charged. So he got with the program and accepted the extra 10Rs, and went ahead on with his life.

DUCES!

Yea it’s has only been a full day since I’ve been here and so much has happened! I don’t even know if I’m ready for the next adventure that is sure to be around the corner. I’m currently in the school library waiting for our orientation to begin, then we’re off to the wood or, more accurately, the jungle!

Dude…I picked India…

Speak your mind….

Advertisements

About themeanblackgirl

My name says it all!
Gallery | This entry was posted in Shenanigans. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Dude…I’m in India.

  1. qcq says:

    Wow, this could very well be a sign of what’s to come. I guess the only thing I can say is good luck with that. And keep a stiff upper lip…or something like that. Imma eat my baguette and drink my wine now.

    • …Thanks…

      Way to rub it in.

      • CW says:

        You know better. Screw American Style- You should have rolled him out Jersey style. If anyone is going to cheat anyone out of money it is going to be us!

        One adventure after the other, it’s just like old times. I wish I could be there with you kid sounds like that city is just looking for someone to take over! But knowing my luck within the first week I would be arrested or something for jumping on the back of a cow and trying to ride into the sunset on her. HI HO Silver AWAAAAY… Yup I said it.

        No matter where you go just remember who’s boss; money. Ain’t no language barrier with cash in your pocket. (perfect example being Rush Hour 2 when Chris Tucker hops in the back of the cab and is trying to get him to chase the other car. Yea S**t didn’t happen til he pulled that cash out of his pocket.) <– Yup Money rules all; even internationally.

        Although I am not the most P.C. person I am trying to stay Neutral in such public forums. BUT- if said situation does arise, I am not going to no Partner school and if you need me to I will get my @ss on a plane and 13 hours later kick over some moped powered wheel barrels and beat people down like the Indian Godzilla… Yup I said it, it may not be pretty but I did it. That's how I roll…

        In the end any trip is all about what you make of it. So slap that cows @ss like you in Mullica Hill, Flip off the Cab driver like you walking through Philly, and at the end of the day you are cooler that the good looking preteen with a bad attitude and a PSP at summer camp!

        Well that last one I'm not sure if it makes sense to most but dude picture it in your head being a movie and you know that kid would def. be super cool.

        Well enjoy your school days- like I said if things get bad we will just fly over re-enforcements. And if s**t hits the fan hardcore, we bring out the big guns and ship over the most corrupt and awful person NJ has bred since the Jersey Devil<<< ohh you know who that is. He is ridiculous and crazy all in one troublesome character. He also happens to be my Bro…

        But hey that's how we roll.

  2. I can’t believe your over there! amazing! I’ll def be following this blog. Take lots of pictures. I always wanted to go to India! And you never even mentioned you were going-evil! I’ll be in china in november b! no fortune cookie for u!

  3. Vanessa says:

    dude at least u kno u’ll never b bored u’ll always have another adventure around the corner! but once again i sat here and read it all intently i was late for church lol

  4. weekend lover says:

    i am sooo rude. i sat here laughing at you lol

  5. SilentlyPoetic says:

    Can yu say WOW… Seems like yu had a very productive day nd i cant wait for the others to come just BE SAFE!!!

  6. liz says:

    This is awesome, bro! I think you’re off to a great start. And for the rest of your life, whenever anybody complains about something that’s not dying of cancer or losing a limb, you can bust out the “Well, this one time when I was in INDIA…”

  7. I was truly entertained reading your blog. I really laughed a loud as I was reading this. You are truly gifted man.

    P.S. I almost missed a flight back to Richmond, VA before. Reading about you almost missing your flight brought back memories. lol lol lol

  8. maria go says:

    HA! that’s my girl! I’ve been MIA since my computer died over in Paris on day 3. I didn’t get it back until recently. Welcome to culture shock my friend.
    1. no personal space CHECK
    2. craziest taxis in the world CHECK (now this explains all the Indian taxi drivers in NYC and Philly- go ahead and ask them if they drove in India- most will say yes and that the US is a piece of cake)
    3. moo cows in the road CHECK
    4. airsquat bathrooms- (always bring some tissues with you) CHECK

    can’t wait to read the rest.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s